There is this epidemic going around called Perfectionism. It's a slimy little sucker, crawling in the cracks of your confidence, worming it's way into your self-worth, teaching you how to make yourself so small that you disappear or build yourself so big that you topple. "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor," said Anne Lamott. Ain't it the truth? It oppresses so many things: good ideas, second chances, forgiveness, works of art, happiness, love.

I used to wear my perfectionism as a badge of honor. If I am everything to everybody, then they will all like me. I said to Craig last week, "I can get anyone to like me." Ew. That's a terrible statement. Conceited, assumptive, unnecessary, and clearly over-compensating for a deep sense of lack. Not only is that absurdly untrue (I know plenty of people who don't like me), having a skill like that is ridiculously counter-intuitive to living an amazing life. For my money, an amazing life is daring, magical, risky, loving, and open. And those qualities will generate different reactions, maybe even divisively, because they are bold.

This need to be perfect comes from some serious lack of trust. If I let my truthful, flawed, imperfect, sometimes conceited, sometimes horribly apologetic, usually over-compensating, desperate-to-be-liked self out there, I usually don't trust the world will pick me up and love me anyway. And why would I feel that way?

I got this disease called Perfectionism that I've been running around with for years. This is what Perfectionism has done for me and can do for you, too, if you let it:

It can alienate the people who love you the most. If we decide that everything we do has to be perfect, the people around us are going to feel suffocated. Trapped. Buried beneath our heaviness. Maybe they aren't perfectionists, but they are constantly needing to measure up to our own standards. Woof. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

If we could accept that life is sloppy, that plans gets muddled up, that yes clothes need to get washed every week, then this voice that we have in the back of our heads that screams: You're not finished yet! You didn't do everything! You'll never catch up! Everyone else can do this so much better than you! can just shut up for once. How much space, and life, and energy would that send into your day? There's only one way to find out, and that's to kick perfectionism out on its butt.

It can create super-ultra-no-holding-back Defensiveness with a capital D. You want to get stuck in your tracks? You want to never grow in your craft? You want to resist changing bad habits that only hurt you? Then you better get defensive. The perfectionist can't stand being told they did something wrong. It's always - I know, but here's why...

New rule that I'm implementing when I receive feedback: just receive. Slow down, listen, wait until I'm sure I've heard what the other person is saying. If I still want to be defensive after I've done this, I need to go back and try again. Because the rule goes like this: if you're wrong, don't be defensive. If you're right, there's no need to be defensive. If you're not sure, defensiveness ain't gonna clear it up.

It can cause you to lie to everyone, including yourself. I'm not saying I've ever lied super-duper dramatically, but I have hidden tons of small truths. You know when someone really hurts your feelings, and you stuff all of that sadness and hurt down down down down, and maybe a little truth seeps out but it's only passive-aggressive truth so you can cover your tracks later if they call you out? Yeah me neither, I've never done that...

Well, all of those little lies build up over time. None of them help you. You just end up not knowing who you are. Let me say for the record, that being apologetic, foolishly amenable, and unaffected to the point of not knowing who you are at the end of your 20s is not an attractive place to be.

It can run you right into the ground. Oh yes. This one I know well. Do more, be more, say more, work more. In my life, the battle is waged anew each day: try not to overwork today. Yes, we perfectionists will clock in early and stay late. We will go above and beyond the call of duty even when no one wants that from us. We will respond ASAP so you know how responsible, how on top of it, how good we are.

Listen, I'm all for getting deep into your passion and filling your days with thrilling work that fuels your fire, but there are limits and boundaries. If you're going to get that fire fueled, there are some days when the email needs to get shut down, the yesses need to be edited, and the overflow of expectations needs to be economized. Like I said earlier, being everything to everybody is not the way to live an amazing life.

The Perfectionism Hit List goes on, but you get the idea. It's not the best tool in your life kit. If I take all of the above points and define their opposite, this is what I see waiting on the other side: Love, Acceptance, Trust, Worthiness. And for the Perfectionist, what exactly are we seeking by checking off each to-do ASAP, getting every surly person to like us, working extra hours just to prove we care? Love, Acceptance, Trust, Worthiness.

So it all comes down to letting it go. Spinning wildly out of control and stumbling into balance. Tripping up and falling into the world's embrace. Setting down the work and breathing in the surrender. Learning to love our imperfect little selves as perfectly as we can.

Where does Perfectionism trip you up?

Not to belabor the Oscars, but you know LRW loves awards season, and these ceremonies always get me thinking about an artist's self-worth. Just this weekend, I wrapped up a project that was a game-changer for me. It required a lot of social navigation, demon-battling, and self-awareness. So I can only imagine how these star-studded, legend-making events meddle with celebrity actors' minds. Craig mentioned an article he'd read about Leonardo DiCaprio being one of the finest actors of our time and why he will never, ever win an Oscar. It made me think about the institutionalized way in which we determine what is worthwhile and good: awards, reviews, glorified talent shows.

Now don't get it twisted, I love feedback. I love engaging with other visions to make something better. I love help. But with constant buzzing in your ear about what is universally good and what is universally terrible, it takes a little discrimination to fall outside of the pack for a minute and figure out your own nuanced taste. If you're going to develop your own vision, you need to know when to collaborate and when to dismiss.

So with my project, I dismissed:

those who offered criticism without offering their own exposure.
questions about the effectiveness of my process while still in my process.
feedback that tore the project down while we were still building it up.

When the project was ready, my trusted network of artistic comrades gave me lots of feedback. But I found that the most vital feedback I needed during the process was from myself. I needed to decide what was working and what wasn't. It was a tall order for heavy-handed self-sufficiency.

But like all the magical moments in creation, when I shut out the unnecessary noise, the answers always came. And I figured out that figuring it out looks sort of like this:

1. Hurtful criticism doesn't shut you down. During the project, I heard some unfortunate things said about my work. Let's be real, 13-year old Courtney snapped to attention for a hot second and came up with some real zingers as comebacks, but then I stopped and asked myself, why does that bother you so much? Is there something you haven't done yet that you need to work on? Are YOU satisfied with what you're doing?

When you are heading in the right direction, instead of lashing out and shutting down, you turn your hurt feelings inward to discriminate what's working from what isn't. You take the (albeit nasty) criticism and use it to your advantage. You uncover a previously untapped resource of insight by questioning why your feelings are hurt. You repurpose those feelings as guideposts to understanding your work.

The target is always better work and any information you get, ill-intended or otherwise, gets you closer to that target.

2. You feel generous towards others. You gain nothing by tearing others' work down. Your mind is so hellbent on getting better that you find yourself rooting for others, too. You have a personal stake in building others up.

Lindsey Clayton, a friend, colleague, and inspiration of mine is a great example of this. She is an NYC fitness training STAR. She knows how to build people up, how to make others see their own power, and never stops learning, even from those she teaches.

Generosity does nothing to diminish you, and usually when you are feeling unsatisfied, unhappy, or unfulfilled in your own work is when you look to tear down others. Do you feel generous? Do you feel helpful? Do you root for everyone? Then your work is probably headed in the right direction.

3. Your work, although imperfect, satisfies you. Of course, next year you'll be better, and better the year after that. But who has ever gotten to the end of their life and thought, Great, I nailed it. Nothing left to learn. That would be a bummer, not to mention immensely boring.

Your satisfaction doesn't come from the award, the review, or the multi-million dollar record deal (although, those do feel really nice I imagine); your satisfaction comes from knowing that you stayed in it, kept showing up to be taught, and allowed yourself to open up despite your insecurities, doubts, and fears. You allowed yourself to be exposed and in that exposing, you took a huge sprint forward, even if you didn't reach the finish line.

That kind of satisfaction, once you feel it, is all you really need. It can't be bought, fought for, or taught. When you finally feel that kind of satisfaction, outside validation (while still lovely) loses its power.

When it comes down to it, we know that we are our harshest critics, but we also need to be able to objectively judge our work if we want to keep getting better. Nothing beaten down, stomped on, or humiliated is ever going to feel free to grow.

To know how to self-critique without self-deprecating keeps you alert for the next stroke of insight. It keeps you in the game. And the longer you stay in it, the more that faint voice inside your head will speak up and say, you don't have all the answers just yet, but you're on the right track.

When do you know for sure you're headed in the right direction?

what perfectionism can do for you

how to know you're on the right track