3 new ways to think about your brain

“You can do anything if you put your mind to it.” Although this sounds like a canned statement of encouragement (because it is), there is actually some truth to this greeting card sentiment. Maybe it should say something more like: “You can train your brain to do anything if your mind gives it the order.” Because that’s exactly what happens. Let me back up… 74416_554177776426_7940402_n

Recently, I’ve been enamored with the current research that's out there detailing brain neuroplasticity and how we can control it, so I called up my best friend Kara Zimmerman. Kara has her Masters in Neuroscience from Johns Hopkins University, in addition to her B.A. in Theatre and Dance from Muhlenberg College. Needless to say, she’s one smart, creative, utterly unstoppable chick. And it’s probably because she manhandles that brain of hers. During our conversation, three things struck me that I thought you should know. These three things transformed how I think about my brain, how to control it, and where true power lies.

 

1. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff is an absolute myth. The small things are actually what matter. Kara told me, “When it comes to neurobiology, that’s all you should be worried about. Fine details, small emotions, little experiences - those things become bigger in the long run.” 64860_694825641976_1473211441_nI get what the positive phrase is implying - it really means, gain some perspective. But Kara argues that true perspective is gained by paying attention to the small things we tend to deny or throw away. That unsettling interaction you had with your boss? The emotional turbulence when your spouse nags you about cleaning up? The stress you feel when you’re running late? All of those small instances build neural pathways and instigate a feedback loop that brings you to the same reaction again and again. There are emotions attached to these small moments, whether we acknowledge them or not, and those unnoticed emotions are sending out hormonal reinforcements causing our brain to choose the same old path simply because we're not aware of it.

a-funny-kid-crying-santa-9Take, for instance, running late in the morning: you are moving quickly, your heart rate speeds up, you feel frenzied, you start to feel trapped, like your life is out of your control and completely defined by things out of your hands. Our mind might register all of that as: this is just my morning routine. If you ignore those emotions, or disregard them as something you are also not in control of, next time you are late for work, this feeling will most likely come up again because your brain is prepared for it. But should you pay a little more attention, should you place your mind on the fact that you are feeling stressed and trapped - you now have the ability to create an offshoot from this negative feedback loop. For example, next time you are late, instead of imagining the stressful train ride - you can choose to breathe deeply. You can choose to focus on one thing at a time. You can choose to smile. All of these things create brand new neural pathways in your brain so that you are able to handle being late much better next time. So sweating the small stuff is actually your ticket out of emotional redundancy.

IMG_05532. The brain craves novelty. So it's great that we are capable of change, but it’s still so difficult to actually change a habit. There’s no way I can get my mind to go to a calm, relaxed state when I’m under a lot of stress, right? Not necessarily. According to Kara, and science, the brain craves novelty. The brain wants new experiences and it’s up to you to understand that and follow through. Kara says that we should be finding ways to reward those new experiences so that, “that small [positive] experience will start to build up and your brain will recognize that as an important neuron.” Continuing with our example of running late for work: we start to feel stressed, recognize the emotion, and begin a new action. We slow down our breathing, we smile, we make eye contact with others and we train our brain out of stress. The positive reward might be playing your favorite song on your iPod - some song that makes you feel happy, safe, most like you. Now we’ve created a novel feeling (calm during the morning rush) and rewarded that new neuron (playing our favorite music). Instead of digging into our old neural pathway, we have taken control of our brain and started to reimage it. After awhile, this will be our feedback loop instead: handling stress with acknowledgement, calm, and positive reward.

3. The brain will get rid of what it doesn’t need. This utterly fantastic idea is called pruning. Kara says, “ [Pruning] happens naturally to neurons that haven’t been used in awhile. The brain gets rid of them. Overnight, neurons will cut back in areas that aren’t as important, synapses will be taken away, and things that were important from yesterday will be important again tomorrow.” Ultimately, you are in control of telling the brain what it needs and what it doesn’t. You categorize IMG_0423the negative feedback loops as important by using them again and again. Being easy to anger, stressing in uncomfortable situations, ignoring the small emotions are literally being reinforced every night as important. But if you actively work to change that feedback loop, the brain will prune what you don’t use anymore. So change is less about your feeling and more about what you order the brain to remove or retain. For an Italian girl with a temper, this is handy news. This means that if we practice our de-stressing techniques enough times, our brain will weed out negative feedback loops overnight. We go to sleep and reinforce the decisions we make during the day. So in this way, each day becomes brand new, stronger, and over time,  it looks more and more like what we choose (for better or worse).

My final thought from Kara’s brilliance has to do with this analogy she made, “The mind is to the brain how walking is to the legs. Legs don’t just move on their own, and the brain doesn’t just act on its own.”

Understanding how the brain works is instrumental in taking responsibility and ownership of your circumstances. Yes, there are many hindrances in life, many setbacks, roadblocks, failures, and criticisms. But ultimately, for me, it is a comfort to know that neurologically I can address these realities with my own imagination. That the reimaging I create in my brain will be the ultimate testimony of who I am. That I could rely on predispositions, old habits, or denying my feelings but this would be as much of a choice as creating a new, healthier reality. And that now, with a better understanding of how my brain functions, I can also choose to meet difficulties as opportunities to rewire my brain, challenges as chances to reinforce a positive feedback loop, and failures as moments to reward how I grow instead of how I fail.

All in all, the brain is a powerful tool. But what I’m most excited to know is that the mind is the one in control.

What is most surprising to you about the brain?

rising to your best self: a meditation on love, courage & forgiveness

There are babies coming. At the time of this writing, my brother, Craig’s brother, and my best friend Kara are all expecting, and it has got me thinking about what I want these little guys to know about life. So here’s a meditation on what I want them to carry in their hearts the most, and a reminder for myself to keep rising to the best version of me:

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Dear Little Loves of My Life,

First of all, you are loved beyond measure. More on that in the years to come.

Secondly, I want you to know a couple of things as you get started with this whole being alive thing.

Use your words for love and only ever love. There will be times people speak badly about you. There will be times someone who you thought was on your side will lie to your face. There will be times you hear something nasty said about someone you love, and it will be one of the most painful things to endure. There will be times when everyone around you is making fun of someone else. There will be times when you feel the urge to say something mean. There will be times when the words fly out of your mouth and immediately curve back around and punch you right in the gut with regret. Instead of using your words to tear others down, judge, or condemn, let yourself be filled with so much love that your words rise above your impulse. Let those words float up high where nothing nasty can get to them. Let them linger over others’ heads and hearts, letting them know that they are safe around you, that any words you send out to them will come from the deepest reserve of love you can find. Don’t allow yourself to be swayed by a moment or another person.

And when someone else is bullying, talking behind someone’s back, or sitting in righteous judgment - send THEM love. They are in pain. They are overcompensating. They need your love more than they will admit. They might not accept it, but send it anyway. Take this quote with you when you feel the urge to let out your own overcompensation and pain: “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.” You are a great mind - use it for good.

The biggest risk is not taking one. You will want to create, you will want to share, you will want to express, you will want to expose yourself. You will have so many people who love what you do and how you do it. You will have an equal amount of people who don’t like it at all. Create, expose, and risk despite these people. Uncle Craig recently said to me, “The more people there are who love what you’re doing, the more people there are who hate what you’re doing.” Brilliance has an element of risk to it, my loves. If you don’t try, if you don’t create, if you don’t allow yourself to unfold into your authentic, beautiful selves, you deny those of us who DO love all of your brilliance the opportunity to bask in it. Let it shine. Take the risk. Take refuge in the fact that if someone doesn’t like your work, it must be pretty bold. It must be pretty dynamic.

Don’t try to please everyone; instead, honor your insight, instinct, and compassion. They will guide you to far more beautiful places than your doubts ever will. Just leap.

Forgive especially when it’s difficult. A moment will come when you are completely justified in being angry. Someone will wrong you and you will be more than validated in holding a righteous position. When you want to hold onto the glistening weapon of moral authority, or silent condemnation, consider what Anne Lamott said, “Not forgiving is like drinking the rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.” Let it go. Forgive others even when they don’t deserve it or want it. Don’t allow their unfortunate behavior to be their one defining characteristic. Because, my sweet little loves, some day you will make a mistake. You will hurt your parents, or your friends, or your partners, or a stranger. And you, too, will be more than that one mistake.

Allow others to learn from their mistakes without being strangled by them. And allow yourself to make a mistake without attaching it to your soul. Sometimes, forgiving yourself will be the most difficult process of all. Release your need for a perfect world and create a compassionate world instead.

Listen you guys, this world won’t always realize how beautiful you are. There will be times when you feel scared, doubtful, and hard. But remember that you have the capacity to use the brilliance inside each of you to create a better place to live. We need all of your goodness, love, and light, so let it out. There is space for you, there is love for you.

I can’t wait to meet you.

From my heart,

Auntie Court

UPDATE: Luca Edward Romano was born November 3rd at 12:25pm to two happy and healthy parents! Welcome to life, you Little Wonder! We love you!

the art of saying no

We all do it - overbook, overwork, overstress. Saying “you’re so busy” in New York reeks of redundancy (more on the drama of busy in an upcoming post). But just because it’s absurdly common doesn’t stop the feeling that your everyday obstacles are crowding out your sanity.

Problem is: it’s all our own doing. We choose a messy, overflowing daily life by saying yes to just about everything asked of us. Yes, I’ll go have dinner with you; yes, I’ll pick up that shift; yes, I’ll water your houseplants; yes, I’ll troll Facebook; yes, I’ll put up with your incompetency, bad judgment, negative attitude...

Now don’t get me wrong, saying yes can be a beautiful thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZWYF1BzKWEhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZWYF1BzKWE

But saying an indiscriminate yes to everything means you’re actually saying no to a life of peace, calm, balance, and perspective. You’re saying no to a life that looks like you.  So how do you start saying yes to THAT?

Start by saying no.

When we cut the fat from our lives, when we get clear on what we actually want (instead of hoarding time-wasting activities, bad habits, and draining friends), we can create a framework around our everyday that looks more like us and less like a hot mess.

Three steps to help you get to no:

1. Slow down before committing. Put space between you and the answer. Wait to respond to that email, take a deep breath before you blurt out a response, or simply say I need to get back to you on that one. For over-achievers and people-pleasers, timeliness = a gold star. But before you so eagerly shout your limitless availability from the rooftops, think about the quality of what you're about to give. If you are constantly making up for someone else's workload, or worse, taking on too much because of your own need to please, how strong can that work even be? If you are constantly listening to your friend's latest issues, but she never returns the favor, how compassionate can that relationship be? Instead of giving yourself (or desperately seeking from others) that gold star for being the fastest to respond, “yes, of course,”  slow down, consider, and then choose the answer that gives your quality of life a boost. It'll ripple out, and that quality will give others a boost as well.

2. Stop wasting your own time. How many hours do you spend in an activity that leaves you paralyzed in one spot? My terrible habit is The Social Media Vortex of Hell. You know.. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine. IMG_2248I love all of those things, until I binge so much on them that I know more about random acquaintances than I do my own husband. If you tallied (truthfully) how many hours you spent at your computer staring at the screen (or any other vice that makes your eyes go sour and leaves you with a pit in your stomach over how much better Random Person #67’s life is than yours), you would be horrified. If it doesn’t refresh, energize, stimulate, or inspire you - you don’t need it. You can easily cut that fat by checking in with yourself - ask, do I want to be doing this? Am I just stuck and not making a choice? What do I need right now? Relaxation? Productivity? Real human connection? Don’t take for granted that you always know how you feel. Ask yourself what you need and then say no to the things that keep you away from it.

photo-33. Create and maintain boundaries. I realize this conflicts with the previous thought I had on opening yourself up to people. But it’s a riff on the same theme: say yes to what aligns with your bigger vision and say no to what doesn’t. If you are in desperate need of work-life-balance and you keep saying yes to extended hours, extra work, and office drama - you are giving the illusion that this is okay with you! A boundary could be something as little as refusing to get in on the office politics. By not saying anything rude or unnecessary about your colleagues or even by the simple act of not raising your voice, you teach others to stop acting that way around you. You cannot assume everyone has your well-being in mind, but you CAN absolutely assume that if you teach them what lines you refuse to cross, they won't be able to ignore them. And don’t get it twisted, creating boundaries doesn’t keep people out, it teaches people the most effective way to get in. By being authentic what you will and won't stand for, you are allowing people to know the real you - and when they know you, you can work together to create the kind of space, energy, partnership, marriage, art, business, world(!) that lifts up all of us.

No is a powerful tool. It’s the line in the sand. At the end of the day, it will teach people to recognize who you are by what you value and uphold - and that, my friends, is the goldest star of all.

When do you find it difficult to say no? Do you find it challenging to create space and boundary? When you know what you need, are you able to stand up for it?

 
 

presence-makers: friends and carrot cake

We're not sure about other cities, but in NYC it is especially easy to get caught up in the every day, watching the hours and minutes tick by, wishing the days away, just to get to the next party, date, or vacation you have to look forward to.  Sometimes, when you take a step back and realize this, it's easy to feel a little sad.  However, it's also a nice reminder to be present, so we thought it would be fun to each share a moment from the past week where we felt especially present. Allie

IMG_1479The older I get, the more awkward I feel in social situations.  I find this funny because the 18 year old Allie would laugh in my face at my shyness (and then flash everyone in the room).  Sometimes, when I'm out at a party or with friends, I'm physically there, but mentally I'm a little withdrawn, maybe feeling out of place, awkward, anxious, etc.  This past Saturday at a bar with friends, I felt completely present.  I had the most wonderful conversation with 2 of my friends who are a couple (who I haven't spent a lot of time with in a while!) about life, jobs, money...and it was refreshing and fun and I was completely engaged the entire time.  Thank you to my two wonderful friends for that awesome conversation!  Right place, right time, right people.  NYC can be a great place sometimes.

Court

As far as I'm concerned, the best remedy for a restless mind is to make some food - to cook, or bake, or even simply plate something beautiful breaks my creativity out of its cage and with it, my presence. I am in the middle of a long week and I knew that if I didn't give my home a little love and attention, it would be the first thing to spiral out of control as the week gains momentum. picstitch-1Knowing I could benefit from a little more presence, I asked Craig what he would love for me to bake and he suggested a carrot cake. I was excited for this because I've never baked a carrot cake, and the act of baking something new drops me right into the here and now. No drifting mind, no replying to emails in my head, no thinking through my schedule, just one step after the other of butter, and sugar, and cinnamon.

 

 

 

What moment this week made you feel especially alive and present?  We would love to know your thoughts!

nothing is original: 3 ways to remix your life

When Allie and I started creating content for little red’s well, we noticed something. It’s all been done before. Nothing is original. In fact, some of the magazines and blogs I follow on Twitter, literally post the same thing in different ways all day long: how to be happy, wealthy, and thin. Usually it’s in a list of 5-20 bullet points.

At first, my inner judgey voice thought: what a waste of space. Create something new. Create something worthy of attention. But the truth is, it’s not the content that’s worthy of attention - it’s the voice. photo-1Every voice is a remix. Every vision is a second draft. Every new perspective gives us the opportunity to look at the same old crap by standing in a different spot on the map.

So many times, people say, I can’t do that because it’s been done before. Well here’s the real truth: everything in life has been done before. People have always been friends, and wives, and writers, and politicians, and doctors, and social workers, and teachers. But no one has remixed those missions like you. No one has ever brought your personal intricacies to that work.

So how do you remix the shit out of your life:

1. Identify your bad habits and try the opposite. Here’s an example: Are you perpetually self-deprecating to make others feel comfortable around you? Well the idea that you want others to be comfortable is very kind of you, but using self-deprecation can be hurtful without you knowing it. By putting yourself down for something, you open up the fact that you are judgmental about that in anyone else and could be creating the barrier between you and others that you were trying to dismantle.

If that’s your habit, take the attention off of yourself and put your energy into directly making that person feel comfortable. Or better yet, practice being kind to yourself. Identify what the goal is with your bad habit and find a more direct route to that goal. (Hint: the more direct route usually involves, kindness, gentleness, and compassion.)

photo2. Give yourself permission to be all the things you are. No matter what part of your life you are currently traveling through, my guess is that you are fulfilling all kinds of roles. Your twenties can be especially infuriating as you stack up your resume with seemingly unrelated little nuggets of experience because truthfully, you just need to make rent. All those nuggets start to meld with your identity and you begin wondering, What is imposter me and what is real me? For a long time, I thought that I had to shed all the outer layers of my daily experience to become one really specific thing or people would be confused. But that’s just not life. Life isn’t compartmentalized and categorized for simple understanding. It’s a variety of experiences REMIXING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. And the more we struggle against it, the deeper resentment and discomfort we will feel.

If you are a painter, who also really wants to be a mom, who also has a knack for accounting and would love to do people’s taxes for an extra buck, you are allowed to be all of those things. In fact, if you don’t come fully into who you are, we are missing out on seeing life through your unique-perspective-combo-platter of color, compassion, and brass tacks. So stop stifling, and start embracing the fact that you will never be just one simple characteristic.

3. Open yourself up and allow people in. I was recently in a conversation with someone when I said, “Marriage is hard work, right?!”

His response was, “Really? I think it’s very easy.”

Immediately I felt my Italian rage boil up and start seething, Why couldn’t he just be cordial and say yes I know what you mean?! Why couldn’t he be kinder with my obvious vulnerability?! What does he know that I don’t know?! Is my marriage falling apart just because I think it’s hard?! Am I just the worst wife in the history of wifedom?!

When I told my friends about this, everyone’s reaction was pretty much the same: I was totally justified in being hurt and offended. But if I take a deeper look at this seeming injustice to civility and turn the attention off of my embarrassment and onto curiosity, I get something completely remixed: a character study. I can learn more about people from their words than from my reactions.

In fact, even in the face of getting my feelings hurt, I can become more invested in their motivations than in my justification of being pissed. I could have thought: I wonder what it feels like to say exactly what you think? I wonder why some people go right for being vulnerable and others go right for being confident? I wonder what it feels like to have no filter? To be completely candid, no matter what? What characters are like that…? Who else do I know like that who I admire and respect?

It relieves the center of my brain that just sees red and yells expletives.

I can open myself up to a new perspective that maybe enlightens a character I’m playing, or a book I’m writing, or a way to deal with a difficult co-worker. I can open myself without being hurt because instead I’m curious - and curiosity gives me a whole bunch of material to remix.

At the end of the day, I will continually read how to be happy, wealthy, and thin because each remix offers something original, or at least awakens a part of my own perspective that had been hiding under some stale old ideas bumping around in my head. So whatever your passion, intention, or perspective - get it out there, we need it. You have never been done before. (Just don’t forget to put it in a bullet point list.)

What are some ways you try to remix your life? How do you shake up  your daily routine to get a different perspective?