goodbye 20s: the biggest mistakes of my last 10 years

Reflecting at the turn of a decade ain't nothin' new. It's an easy, clean, obvious way to structure self-growth.  It's the proverbial fork in the proverbial road, so we think, well this seems like a good time to make a change. As I stare down my own fork in the road, I'm struck and overcome with enormous gratitude for the life that has built up around me. I am excited for what is to come. But mostly, I am profoundly indebted to the mistakes of my 20s. They were all so generous to me, and I would make them all again to get where I am now. But now that I'm here, oh dear God, I'm ready to give them up so I can make brand new ones.

Here are the biggest hits (or misses) of my 20s to which I'm saying thanks for the growth and goodbye forever:

Being there for everyone else but not for myself. I have The Good Girl Complex (GGC) where you assume that being what everyone else needs means you are being a good person. In my 20s, I would say yes to absolutely everything just so I didn't let anyone down. Now I am learning that saying yes to everything means no one actually gets to know you. No one actually knows what makes you tick, what you like, what you see, who you are. No one knows any of that, including you. You cannot possibly create genuine connections by lying to yourself and to others. You cannot possibly give your heart away, create the work of a lifetime, take any huge and profitable risks if you don't show up authentically. The 20s are a great time to try out what everyone else expects of you, but make sure if you do this that you burn out enough to stop doing it as soon as possible.

Following a prescribed path instead of defining what moved me. More GGC: I believed in dues and paying them. Okay, if you're here, just stop doing that now. Yes, there is always something to learn and there are always people to revere, but that cannot take the place of your instinct. Absolutely no one in this world has the answer, so your solution to following your dreams or creating the life you want is just as valid as your mother's, or Gandhi's, or any of your Facebook friend's.  There is no prescription to a happy life that you don't already know. The work is in clearing the mental muck out of the way so you can access all of that juicy, instinctual, know-it-all-ness in your bones. Don't get me wrong, you will make mistakes when you follow your own path, but better they be your mistakes, ones you can own and learn from, than someone else's.

Creating false boundaries. Here were stories I used to tell myself on the daily: Actors can't be moms. Actors can't be writers. Successful actors can't have day jobs. For acting work to have value, someone has to give it to you, you cannot make it yourself. Guess what, 20s? I see through you now. The only value anything has is based on the integrity with which you come to it. Those boundaries are lies. We are lying to ourselves when we look at the world and say it's never been done before, because once upon a time - none of this was done before. So it comes down to either wanting to do it or not. False boundaries are lines we draw in our brains and repeat like they are facts. ALERT: just because it's in your head, does not make it true. Cross-check with your heart, your gut, and the people who love you the most.

Denying the fact that I didn't know a lot of things. I know barely anything anymore. Not for lack of trying. I would love to know all the answers to every question, problem, conundrum. I used to think that not having the answer was a weakness, like I should be able to come up with something if I was smart enough. But not knowing leaves you open to being a student, and if there is one thing I want to be doing when I'm 80 years old, it's learning. The way I feel when I learn something brand new ignites my mental fire. It makes me certain that the mystery of this universe will continue unfolding, we will never have the answer, and every day will be more beautiful because of it.

Acting like there was a finish line I was desperately trying to cross. That dull ache of not getting enough done, and over-extending, and collapsing in exhaustion? I'm all set with that. When you're 22 and getting out of school and wondering who you will be, you'll set goals and time limits and benchmarks of success. But before you know who you are, there is no way you can accurately set so many standards for your future self, so those "standards" are completely arbitrary. Every actor has this one, right: be on Broadway before 30. But here's my new one: play the long game with your craft, create a sustainable lifestyle that keeps you creating every day, and if, as you travel forward on this path of making art you cross over Broadway, that'll feel really amazing. Which version do you think has a better chance of "success"? There's no finish line. I'm in it for the long haul.

Not traveling so I was "available." Availability, availability, availability. We are so available to everything else that we forget to show up to our own lives. When I tell people I haven't been to the West Coast, they look at me like I have just emerged from the large rock I must have been under all these years. I never used to plan vacations because of what might happen. I didn't know when the next job or paycheck would come, so I didn't want to leave for fear of missing out. But the world is too big to not go on adventures, and I've learned that when real opportunities come - you'll make yourself available.

And the very biggest mistake of all: trying too hard. This is the biggest, baddest mistake I've ever made. In relationships, jobs, auditions, thought patterns, even self-growth. "I'm working really hard on it..." became a phrase banned from our household over the last year. Less working, more breathing. So this is what I've learned about trying too hard: It's selfish. It's not about understanding what others need, it's about making sure you're what they need. Sometimes, you're just not, but if you try to fit into every mold, you'll feel immense pain and constant rejection. Not everyone needs to like you or your work for you or your work to be likeable. For me, trying too hard was about getting a return on investment. Instead of thinking, how can I help make this situation better or give the people something that makes their lives better, I was attempting to affirm my own life through hard, hard, hard, hard work. I'm not saying you shouldn't throw yourself whole-heartedly into your passion and burn the midnight oil from time to time, but dear loves, it should be easy to get down and dirty.

If there's one thing my 20s have prepared me for, it's the art of mistake-making. I cannot wait to make even stupider mistakes. I cannot wait to learn even bigger lessons, because this decade 'round the mistakes and lessons are going to be unequivocally and authentically my own.

What are your favorite mistakes?

image sources: 1, 2&4, 3 is my own.

5 ways to deal with uncertainty

We just want to KNOW. Did I get the job? Does he love me? Will I be happy? We just want to know how it will all pan out. I’m an actress, so half my life is spent hoping hard and being rejected. Does that seem dismal? Well, it’s probably more like 70% rejection. But the rejection isn’t the thing that crowds under my skin, making me all squirmy and uncomfortable - the thing that does that: uncertainty.

This need to plan out our lives with careful, calculated, measured certainty is, of course, the antithesis to living a creative life. We know this, and yet, it doesn’t take away the sting of lingering in limbo. It doesn’t calm the swollen heart that can’t decide whether to pump the body with hope or disappointment. It doesn’t still the nerves that hear phantom phone rings when nobody’s a-callin’.

Uncertainty is a fact of life, but this doesn’t mean we have to be a slave to it. I’m not suggesting we sweep our emotionally split attention under the rug, but we can get resourceful when dealing with it:

1. Define what you crave. Okay fine, so you’re not sure how this one job is going to work out, but why does it bother you? What will knowing get you? When you define the thing you are actually craving, you realize that you can have that thing immediately. Go deep. Dig until you’ve gotten to what you’re sure is your baseline. Creating stability doesn’t happen by having your ducks in a row, it happens by figuring out what drives you and who you are.

2. Reach out from your uncertainty. Chances are someone else in your field has felt the same way. Don’t fool yourself into believing this experience is unique. Don’t get me wrong, it is exquisitely yours, but connect with others because of it instead of shrouding yourself in denial. "I’m fine. That’s just the business…" Yes this is factually true, but emotionally false. Acknowledge your sadness, frustration or tiny touch of neuroticism and then connect with others who can relate. Lighten your load by realizing you’re not the only one carrying it.

3. Go work out. Please. Just do it. There is plenty of scientific research that supports this as a de-stressor. You know it does because you’ve experienced this in your own life. As soon as you start moving and drop into your body, you get out of your head. There is nothing more anxiety-ridden than worrying about what could be, and there is nothing more present-making than connecting with your body. Even just a walk can bring you back to solid ground.

4. Create something brand new. There is so much out of our hands that we forget what we do have in our hands: creative agency. The power to make something brand new is energetic currency. When you step into your own authority and make something that didn’t exist before - even if it’s just a delicious dinner - you are putting something unique into the world. Sure, grilling up some chicken doesn’t seem like much, but the more you create small things every day, the more your brain will expect that creativity from you.

5. Toast the unknown. We can struggle against the unknown, we can fiddle with uncertainty or we can appreciate it for what it is: magic. The quiet thrill of feeling flung wildly off track. The generous gift from the universe that proves to us that our spontaneity, improvisational skills and beating heart are all in tact and accounted for. Celebrate the fact that this semi-craziness, this temporary head game, is fleeting. Let it serve as a reminder that our life is not measured by how methodically we hit our marks, but rather by how willing we are to surrender to life's mystery.

How do you react to uncertainty?

All images via Pinterest.

an argument for creating more and worrying less

I am desperate for the enrichment of the everyday. I don’t just want the sun to shine, I want it to devastate me with it’s glow. I don’t just want that food to nourish, I want it to embolden me deep in my bones. When people talk about life’s meaninglessness, I edge toward angry defiance because I know there's depth in every moment.

But there are days when I sit and stare at Facebook for two hours straight with a numbed mind that borders on comatose. So, you know, we all have our ups and downs.

We exist in a constant state of flux that, if we’re honest, causes us to see eighty different variations of living one day. This fluctuation shakes things up for us because it seeps into the one thing that’s supposed to be reliable - our work. Our day jobs and night jobs and gigs and contracts. Eventually, our body of work feels like a living organism that breathes in the limitless elements of this world and exhales a combination of those elements that doesn’t always make sense. A blog post here, a gig there, a day job we love, one we hate, sitting at a desk, building a start-up. All of these things materialize into something that resembles us, but we can’t quite see the through-line. And this is where my conversations have led me lately:

How do we manage all the things we are?

Everyone is well aware that very few people nowadays have one job for a lifetime. The economy has made sure of that. And with the way social media has started to drive business (every kind of business), we have better access to each other and more chances to define exactly who we are. And define we will because we know that if we’re not very clear, who we are gets lost in the shuffle. But beyond these imposed social profiles and strict definitions, there is a small hum inside our guts that tells us: there’s more. Not just more to get done and more to add to your plate, but more down deep. More of the good. More where that came from.

Right now, I have three main paths. I’ll call them paths for now because one makes me money, one will make me money, and one may never make me money. But nonetheless, they are my life’s work every day. So, three paths. Incredibly different. They feed each other now and then, but they require access to different parts of me. And this reconciling is what gets me tied up in knots. This piecing together of those different parts is where my mind starts to spasm.

However recently, I have been mulling over Steve Jobs’ famous quote about connecting the dots. I never really understood why it was so significant for so many people. I used to think, right, of course we don’t know how anything is going to work out yet, we can’t predict the future. This is not profound. But when I re-read this, I finally picked up on why this advice is crucial:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path; and that will make all the difference.”

When we are balancing our eight different potential paths, we feel lost. Am I going to end up doing this? Or that? Or a combination of the two? Is this really who I’m supposed to be? But when we realize that whatever that generator is that is humming in our bones is exactly who we are “supposed to be” because it’s exactly who we are, we can see that the type of work we do is less important than simply committing to doing the work. In other words, if our message is being transmitted out into the world, the vehicle is secondary.

Director, painter, musician, and meditator David Lynch says this about the different ways he will make a film:

“See, a painting is much cheaper than making a film. And photography is, you know, way cheap. So if I get an idea for a film, there are many ways to get it together and go realize that film. There's really nothing to be afraid of.”

He’s not attached to the film. He’s attached to the transmission. He’s attached to creating and communicating. He has developed a body of work that on paper seems to be a thrown together collection of hobbies, but in real life, is an intricate and logical plan that allows him to constantly create without the fear of having to “give anything up.” The dots are connected because the body of work is connected to him.

How do we manage all the things we are? By always doing the work. That hum in your gut won’t go away until you communicate it. Instead of trying to manage it, we might be better served by releasing all of our anxieties about the type of work we “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing, and getting ferociously committed to communicating that ebb and flow that exists in all of us. We might finally see the bigger picture, create the balance, and connect the dots by just going ahead and letting ‘er rip.

When do you clearly see your through-line, if at all?

all images via Pinterest

instructions for success: stop.

It’s amazing how much we fit into one day. Finding the empty corners to fill, the vacant shadows to brighten, the deep breaths to cover over with words, and texts, and scrolling. It almost seems necessary - in order to move forward, we feel we need to keep moving.

I am always compelled by pioneer stories of perseverance and tenacity and the ten-year-overnight-success. Those people, digging in the trenches at all hours when everyone else had closed up shop or thrown in the ragged towel, inspire me to breathe a lot of life into a lot of dreams. But there is this dark underbelly that we have got to get realistic about:

We need to rest.

It seems luxurious, right? Taking a nap. Taking a walk. Taking a minute. Even that word - taking - makes rest seem gratuitous. Like it’s an extra, or something that doesn’t already exist in us, but something we will pick up along the way if we’re lucky or worthy.

Recently at work, I’ve been talking with my beautiful, driven, badass co-workers about getting up early to teach on those dark, misty mornings and, even though we know our bodies need it, how it’s so hard to just take a nap later on in the day. Why is this such a struggle?

We have this idea in our heads that if we are not in constant motion, physical or mental, we are somehow letting our light die. We convince ourselves that if we are taking some time away to just slow down, we are giving up or quitting or not being there for the people who need us. In other words: we are failing. I think Danielle LaPorte wrote something along the lines of “we think we need to hustle our worthiness.” If we don’t show up every time, everywhere, for everyone, well... we just don’t deserve success.

I struggle constantly with this. You know I’m a Yes Woman. I hate disappointing or letting down or backing off. I often believe that my grit, my dogged determinism to just not stop, is the only reason I have ever accomplished anything. But recently, a vision of an alternative reality came flooding through my mind’s windows and doors. It was a place where slowing down meant digging in. Taking a nap meant being a better wife. Stepping away from obligation meant stepping into my enthusiasm. And then: the phone started ringing. The difficult financial problems started to solve themselves. The laughter got louder. And, maybe most surprisingly, the world did not end.

So many times we think that trudging through our to-do lists, and obligations, and responsibilities makes us a hero. It just makes us tired. And don’t get it twisted, there will be a time when you need to get down in that dirty trench and pull an all-nighter, or an 18-hour day, or a productivity binge that leaves everything else in it’s dust. But if you don’t rest at the right times, you’ll never be able to call on those energy reserves. You will have used them up before they were really necessary. You will feel empty, depleted, and angry. Or at least, that’s what happened to me.

I am all for making it happen. Putting your name out there and defying “reality.” Deciding what you want and creating that life with your whole heart. But when you get sucked into the vortex of busy, you stop knowing what you want. And when you stop knowing what you want, there’s no way to create a life you love.

What if you took five minutes to just sit still without a screen in front of you? What if you created a Pinterest board about things that lit you up, you know, just for fun? What if you called an old friend? What if you said no to something so you could have a real day off? Or (don’t be nervous) two days off?

Let’s put it this way:

What could you accomplish with a clear mind?

What could you dream of doing if you had nothing holding you back?

How would you feel if you just let go and trusted it would be okay?

Who would you be if you honestly believed that your implicit energy (not the manufactured kind) added value to this world?

Because rest, my dear friends, gives you time to answer the important questions. It takes you out of scarcity and brings you to more than enough. It gives you a little extra grace, a ton more drive, and a whole boatload of wonder. And if we’re to accomplish anything big, dreamy, and epicly magical in this life, that’s exactly what it’s going to take.

When do you rest?

All images via Pinterest

 

it's not just for the six-pack: how fitness improves your mind

Forces presence. As we know from Kara Zimmerman’s brilliant brain insight, your brain craves novelty. It pays more attention to the new and less to the habitual. Ever drive along in the car, on the same old route, and you zone out until you’ve reached your destination and realize you hadn’t paid attention for the last four miles? Working out, especially frequently changing up your routine, will create presence in your brain. Focused on one new task (even if it’s just lifting weights in a new way), your brain will be building brand new neural pathways and dropping you into the present moment.

Building mental toughness paves the way to success. Sticking it out, being resourceful, developing resilience - all of these things are what make someone mentally tough. Getting to the gym or group class on a regular basis, especially when you are not in the mood, requires grit. And according to one researcher from the University of Pennsylvania, “grit - the perserverence and passion to achieve long-term goals - [makes all the difference.]”

Discovering new music in class rewards your brain. Ever get into a class and think, I am just here for the playlist. I’m definitely someone who needs music to pump me up and keep me going throughout the most difficult workouts, and it turns out that this is actually giving my brain the gold star. And gold stars make everyone feel good. This study suggests that the same reward center activated during sex or eating your favorite food is activated when listening to some good tunes. So get yourself to class and pump up the volume.

Decreases your risk of dementia. Everyone knows that working out has a zillion and one physical benefits. But did you know that by just logging a few more minutes of exercise to your daily routine means you can help prevent dementia? So play those brain games (I like crosswords as much as the next geek), but don’t forget that your heart health and brain health are connected.

Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t kill their husbands. Did Legally Blonde teach you nothing?! Well if you’re looking for more evidence, look no further. Creating happiness in your life is an ongoing part of the journey, just like physical health, you never just arrive. All it takes is one day at a time to a happier, healthier mind. And as we’ve heard many times before, what you do with your day is what you do with your life.

You become a better leader. Risk-taking makes you a better leader, and often times exercising (especially in a group setting) feels like a risk. Trying something new, putting yourself in a position to learn rather than to already know, forbidding your fears from keeping you static and stuck has been acknowledged as a critical element of leadership. Want to be the boss of your life? Get up and move.

In what ways do you notice fitness improving your mind?